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"Severed Up" Psychic Advertising (1978) http://ift.tt/1jNfLHB In the late 1970s the police were struggling to solve several brutal crimes.
They turned to two Scarfolk psychics, Terry and Jasmine Oiltoad, a married couple who also ran a thriving advertising agency with a unique, supernatural selling point: Terry and Jasmine could psychically channel the victims of crimes, but only, strangely, if product placement was incorporated into their trances.
Deep in a clairvoyant daze, they would strategise national marketing campaigns, design advertising mock-ups for print, write product slogans, and even design storyboards for TV commercials. Psychic clues would somehow filter through Terry and Jasmine’s subconscious into the promotional material.
Only when the campaigns were officially launched could Terry and Jasmine snap out of their trances and furnish the police with tangible details, such as the precise location of a murder or kidnap victim.
The advertisements themselves were littered with cryptic clues, as can be seen from the magazine ad below for Severed Up soft drinks. The razor logo and copy in this psychic-advertisement eventually led to the apprehension of a criminal known as the “Fizzy Razorblade Killer,” though her real name was Helen Cradle, a 7 year old pupil from Scarfolk Infant School, who was also a known embezzler and quite good at geography and maths.
"Gaol!" Weekly (1970-79) http://ift.tt/1mY9MjX Sports were banned in Scarfolk (see upcoming book for further details). However, a legal loophole permitted the playing of ancient games, as long as they were an integral part of a religious ritual.
Mayan football and other sacrifice-based Mesoamerican ballgames, which often employed human heads or skulls instead of balls, became all the rage. Not only were these early games fun and exciting, but they also gave citizens the opportunity to use up any surplus of tourists that had become ensnared in traps during the summer season.
"Gaol!" weekly was the number-one selling football publication at the time and each issue included a pull-out poster of a hat or toupee once worn by the longest serving ‘headballs’, the most popular of which was Mr. Kenneth Trampel of Ramsgate, Kent, who was a veteran of 22 games until his left ear fell off.
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Memo: 1,000,000 pageviews! http://ift.tt/1nh5SwE To celebrate Scarfolk Council blog’s ONE MILLIONTH pageview there will be no surveillance of anyone under the age of 2 for the rest of the day (excluding Stephen Crump of 18a Scarfolk Ave. We’re not taking our eyes off you, Stephen).
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Family Planning & Recycling (1972-1979) http://ift.tt/1vVnK5B An adult’s social status in 1970s Scarfolk was in part determined by the worth of its offspring. However, until 1972 there was no central mechanism in place to define and classify a child’s usefulness (or lack thereof).
Scarfolk Council was the first in the UK to implement the MVS (Minor Value System), which not only assessed the qualities and flaws of each child, but also ranked them in order of financial worth.
Though a very small percentage of parents could retire on the proceeds from the private sale of their offspring, many were disappointed to learn that their children were not as profitable as they had hoped. In 1975, 42% of Scarfolk’s young were found to be less valuable than an inflatable garden paddling pool and 8.5% were only as valuable as a can of tuna.
To stop the abandonment of unwanted children at motorway service stations, the government created a scheme that enabled parents to sell their unsatisfactory progeny to the council at a fixed price. Parents welcomed the scheme and hundreds of children disappeared from Scarfolk homes overnight.
Coincidentally, the price of pet food plummeted and the safety of pharmaceutical products increased.
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Scarfolk Music & Indoctrination Festival (1970s) http://ift.tt/1pJseud Scarfolk Council did not approve of popular music unless it could be utilised as an indoctrination tool. In fact, most music was banned unless it contained subliminal messages which had been approved by the council’s department of social education.
Scarfolk’s first music festival in 1973 was only given the go ahead with the stipulation that all bands play songs which contained backmasked content. Additionally, they had to perform the songs backwards so that the subliminal messages could clearly be heard and understood by the audience.
Infamously, local prog-group Beige’s* performance of their 3-hour epic song-cycle about a school gym teacher with single-personality disorder contained subliminal elements that triggered mass hysteria. Many audience members hallucinated seeing in the sky the shape of satan with a trident, though others argued that it looked more like an intercontinental travel plug.
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"Get Angled. Not Mangled" Public Information (1973-1979) http://ift.tt/1pAqmUB By the mid-1970s, the list of officially recognised hazards far outnumbered the list of non-hazardous. In fact, the only situation that the council approved as being completely risk free was the state of being deceased*.
Because each of the myriad hazards had its own detailed safety guidelines, citizens became easily confused, and the council was under pressure to create one safety procedure that could be adopted in any given scenario.
Experts eventually developed ‘kneeling at an angle’ which they determined could protect a person from the following dangers: an attack by a rabid animal, falling out of a seventh storey window, a chip pan fire or nuclear attack, being electrocuted by a feral robot, being thrown by a professional wrestler.
The slogan ‘Get angled. Not mangled’ was drummed into school children, who were submitted to regular angle drills.
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"Ethnic Cleansing Playset" (Scartoys, 1972) http://ift.tt/1vnXDG2 Scarfolk parents thought it was crucial that their children play with educational toys. This was to help familiarise youngsters with the everyday items that would be indispensable to their adult lives: Vacuum cleaners and kitchenware for girls, for example, and for boys the M1941 Johnson Light Machine Gun, or the M4 Sherman Tank with the 75mm M3/40 cannon.
Toys like the ‘Ethnic Cleansing Playset’ from Scartoys also taught children invaluable life-lesson skills, such as how to defend oneself against marauding foreigners whose homeland you have decimated for either selfish economic gain, or for parochial, sanctimonious, religious reasons.
Most importantly, over time, such toys inculcated in the child the belief that though the righteousness of their actions was self-evident, they needn’t be mundane; they could also be fun.
naughty schoolgirl in the wrong place. from my own collection.
Comedian and journalist Stella Young is tired of people telling her she’s an “inspiration” just for getting up in the morning. In a hilarious, hard-hitting, and thought-provoking talk at TEDxSydney, she explains why.
I used to get on the same bus as Stella in regional Victoria. She’s gone further and done better than most people from her town who don’t live with disability. Does that make her exceptional or just everyone else less than exceptional.
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Organ Tax & live organ postal services (1971-1978) http://ift.tt/1kDY1Ns If a Scarfolk citizen failed to pay his annual Organ Tax, the organ in question could be turned off by the council, and if further warning letters were ignored the organ might be completely uninstalled by council workers, known as Offalbailiffs.
Many old people, as well as unemployed single parents, couldn’t afford to pay the usurious Organ Tax, and frequently made ends meet by selling their innards to pay off outstanding debts.
This mounting problem was eventually brought to the public’s attention when 82 year old pensioner Marjorie Pierce was discovered to have sold 17 human kidneys and 5 lungs, all of which she alleged were her own. However, the two spleens she traded were revealed to be two frozen, oven-ready lasagnes.
Charity organisations, such as The Insides Foundation, collected internal organs from wealthier citizens, which school children personally delivered in buckets to those less fortunate. However, when children began turning up in hospital emergency rooms suffering from the effects of purloined kidneys and pilfered spleens the practice stopped.
Organ donors instead turned to Scarfolk Royal Mail who quickly started offering special postal services, as can be seen from the advertisement below.
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"Clay Stool" TV theme tune (Klofracs Records, 1973) http://ift.tt/REXlLP The theme tune from “Clay Stool,” a popular 1970s children’s daytime TV programme for 4 to 7 year olds, was released as a single in 1973 under the title “Demons Come In All Shapes & Sizes.”
"Clay Stool" acquired its name from a form of medieval punishment for witchcraft. Originally, alleged witches were strapped to a wooden chair - a ducking stool - then plunged into a river. If they sank they were innocent, if they floated they were in league with the devil and summarily executed.
Samuel Revile, a local priest and freelance misogynist, wondered if ducking stools, which were traditionally festooned with dozens of inflated pigs’ bladders, colourful helium balloons, and tethered albatrosses had something to do with the high numbers of people being found guilty.
Revile set about inventing the heavier “clay stool.” A year after its introduction 100% of accused witches, mostly women, had plummeted to the riverbed where they drowned, proving their innocence.
Revile’s work also alerted communities to the dangers of balloons. It was they, he maintained, not the women, that floated and were therefore in league with Satan. To this day, people who make balloon animals are considered unholy and are barred from church jumble sales.
Though Revile revolutionalised the justice system by inventing compassionate torture, he inadvertently caused widespread redundancies in the execution sector.
Listen to the single here:
Or watch the video here:
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